[ her hands find anchor on her mug, cooling now, lighter-weight. if they're free, she knows, she'll hold her arm where the birthmark lays hidden, and oz doesn't need to see that scar. nobody does.
when she goes on, her mouth keeps pulling back into half-smiles, defensive, punctuating feeling. isn't it funny? and pretty stupid, right? as though she's only telling embarrassing anecdotes. ]
Age-wise, that is. I could tell. I wouldn't have cared so much, if he were younger; after all, you can't remember someone you've never met, right? But it wasn't like that. When we talked, he... never knew me, for who I was. But when I realized it, I didn't tell him, either.
... I was too scared to say anything. [ her shoulders hunch, straighten, as ruka shifts between wanting to make herself as small as possible, and denying herself that same comfort. ] He was the first friend I ever made, but he can make friends wherever he goes; there's nothing special about me. He didn't need me, and it only would have hurt him to know the truth. He didn't deserve that. And everything's changed so much... how could he have known me? My own parents wouldn't be able to pick me out of a crowd.
[ it's telling, in ways she does not know; she's trying so hard to be honest, but not too honest, too focused on not speaking some truths to notice the ones that slip out unsaid. like always, she makes decisions about other people's feelings, without giving them the chance to experience them from the start. ]
When it's anyone else, I don't mind as much... but I always looked up to him. I guess I expected better, even though I know better.
no subject
[ her hands find anchor on her mug, cooling now, lighter-weight. if they're free, she knows, she'll hold her arm where the birthmark lays hidden, and oz doesn't need to see that scar. nobody does.
when she goes on, her mouth keeps pulling back into half-smiles, defensive, punctuating feeling. isn't it funny? and pretty stupid, right? as though she's only telling embarrassing anecdotes. ]
Age-wise, that is. I could tell. I wouldn't have cared so much, if he were younger; after all, you can't remember someone you've never met, right? But it wasn't like that. When we talked, he... never knew me, for who I was. But when I realized it, I didn't tell him, either.
... I was too scared to say anything. [ her shoulders hunch, straighten, as ruka shifts between wanting to make herself as small as possible, and denying herself that same comfort. ] He was the first friend I ever made, but he can make friends wherever he goes; there's nothing special about me. He didn't need me, and it only would have hurt him to know the truth. He didn't deserve that. And everything's changed so much... how could he have known me? My own parents wouldn't be able to pick me out of a crowd.
[ it's telling, in ways she does not know; she's trying so hard to be honest, but not too honest, too focused on not speaking some truths to notice the ones that slip out unsaid. like always, she makes decisions about other people's feelings, without giving them the chance to experience them from the start. ]
When it's anyone else, I don't mind as much... but I always looked up to him. I guess I expected better, even though I know better.